Summary of those New Adventures!

 Its been a little over a year since my last post and I've been upto quite alot! I started working at an amazing school as a teacher's aide for a Special Education classroom, I moved in with my boyfriend and I HAD A BABY! My little girl is now 6 months old and its incredible to me how much my life has changed in such a short period. At the time of my last post I didn't know I was already pregnant but I knew I was ready for whatever life would bring. 

Leading an impromptu art activity with the kiddos!

Yes that's me hiking up a mountain at 7 months pregnant, crazy I know lol 

Our little family! I couldn't be happier!

My mom with her newest little treasure

My little chubby baby today! She gets cuter day by day!

And this is me now in 2022!

Onward to New Adventures

With this post I'll finally be closing this chapter of my journey. The future holds nothing but infinite possibilities. Possibilities shaped and guided by our ancestors stories, our environment and ultimately our own decisions. The trials and tribulations of this last year have shaped me, they have made me understand my own power and strength. If I was able to withstand and overcome everything these last two years have brought to me, I can only hope the world is ready for what I am bringing to it in the next chapter. 

I hope life finds you all well and you also take hold of the future you want to create. We all have infinite potential, don't block yours off. 

With love and appreciation, 

LINDA AIDEE LOYA

Letter to President Zaragoza Concerning Late Fees

I decided to write this letter to CSN administration. I am still editing it and might add statistical information to support my claims but here is what I have so far. What do you guys think ? Do you agree? Is there anything I should add or take out ? It's a bit lengthy and the end is kind of.... I don't know it needs more. But let me know what you think!

 On March 15, 2020 amid the swirling confusing news of a new “virus” and all the other things going on in my world, I looked at an email from my English teacher that class was canceled. I didn't feel much more than frustration at the news, seeing that I didn't see the email until I was at the classroom door. But then I took the extra time I had to go grocery shopping, gather up all the ingredients to make a caldo de pollo, and eat warm soup and watch T.V. with my mom. By then the news didn’t feel so bad. 

My mom has a bad back and after 20 years of surgeries and complications, we were patiently waiting on the latest procedure, a further fusion of 2 more vertebrates to the 9 that had already been fused together. We hoped for a return to the semblance of our normal but my mom had many complications with that procedure, too many to recount here, and it was impossibly hard on me. Words can’t really describe the weight of what it feels like to be your mom’s primary caregiver while in school full time, in the middle of a pandemic locked inside your home, braving life threatening situation after life threatening situation. But we made it through. 

We made it through and I wasn’t going to give up on my education no matter what, I needed to finish my degree as soon as possible so that I could really start helping my parents and building my own life. I signed up for a full 12 credits for the fall semester of 2020. When I realized I was going to be charged excess credit fees I was daunted, and I tried to fight the charges but ultimately accepted CSN’s questionable decision to reject my appeal. But that's another matter. Optimistically thinking, I planned to find a part time job from home so as to not expose my mom and have my dad help me out with the other half. 

At first things were their usual amount of difficult, the same struggle of balancing school, home, and all the other curveballs life throws. But then we got sick. We caught it late October and by November 9 my mom was unresponsive. My dad got it too, he lives part time upstate working in the gold mines in Elko Nevada, so he had to go through it all by himself, alone. My mom had me but we only had each other. Needless to stay my schoolwork took an abrupt halt and so did my finances. 

My mom made it through, so did I. By the graces of my professors I was given the opportunity to make up my assignments and even finished out the semester in good standing. I tried my best to get things back on track, but I can’t deny that I was burned out and I let things get out of hand. My parents are still reling financially from the impact of COVID and I am just now trying to get back into the workforce. 

That brings me to where we are now. It shouldn’t be to anyone’s surprise that those months dancing with COVID unhinged my finances leaving me in a significant amount of debt. The majority of which can be attributed to my tuition. I reached out to the cashier’s department to try to discuss a means of addressing the issue only to realize that it continues to be CSN’s policy to not waive late fees and to continue reporting outstanding balances to collection agencies. 

When COVID first appeared our administration granted the CARE act to students that have been affected by the impacts of the virus, issued to those who were eligible, those who were in good standing. They even extended the CSN Student Emergency Fund for undocumented students who fell outside of those requirements. I commend these efforts of support and I know they were greatly appreciated by my fellow students. But I also know that there were students like myself that didn't qualify for this support based on their parent’s taxes, finances that weren’t a proper reflection of the hardships to come. I also know that the online page for the CSN Student Emergency Funds does not exist anymore and that there were student’s who in the midst of the crisis didn't take advantage of the opportunity, perhaps because of their lack of knowledge being that they were isolated from campus or simply because they were overwhelmed. Ultimately CSN administration did make an effort to assist it’s student’s, many were helped and many were not. 

However the real question rises in why CSN insists on not only charging late fees for the semesters of 2020 but also is continuing to report balances to collection agencies. Our administration knows the adversity we faced this past year. It goes to say that my circumstances were not unique and I was in fact, very lucky. There are many student’s who like me still have holds on their accounts, but also have a dead parent to go along with it, a mountain of medical bills, a house loan that's about to be foreclosed on, an eviction notice, and a new lifetime of debilitating symptoms. Do you think those late fees are an appropriate lesson for them to learn at this time? Is the negative report on their credit score an appropriate lesson for them to learn at this time? 

I know our administration tries to find ways to help its students. The CARE act is proof of that, but perhaps a more proactive way of helping students in the middle of a global pandemic is to not enact policies that enforce a mentality of profit over people. My goal after leaving CSN is to enter the field of education and ultimately  become a teacher in the district, and it is my aspiration that academic institutions should strive to build a legacy of success and compassion for students not one of apathy and bottom lines.

Thank you for reading !!!

Honey Ham

He likes the same kind of ham as me. I ask him "honey ham or turkey" and he cuts me off before I even finish, calling "Honey!" from the other room as he helps my mom do something I didn't want to help with. I never thought that was something I wanted much less needed. Never thought of the little olives of what true love is supposed to mean. The way 'the one' is supposed to love olives while you hate them or the way they're supposed to hate pickles so you get to have two.

He likes the way I make sandwiches, just like I loved the way my dad made them. Before you meet the one you think of something like that and you think "man I need someone who makes great sandwiches like my dad, so that I’ll always have great sandwiches". Then you meet him and you realize you've been making great sandwiches your whole life, but you're now sharing them with him and watching him smile as he takes the best bite, and it makes you happy in a way that you never thought making a sandwich would make you happy. You think, "man I’m going to make him great sandwiches his whole life". It makes you think of how in the not so distant future you'll see that same smile on your sons lips and for a second you're there, watching a little boy that looks a lot like that one picture his mom showed you of him on his tenth birthday, sit across from you crumbs falling on a white plate. Then he goes back home and the next time you wander to the fridge and pick up the ham you'll think "he likes the same ham as me" and you'll smile and be thankful for all the sandwiches you had to make for yourself, and you'll be excited for all the sandwiches you'll make for him and your future kids. "Mom makes the best sandwiches" they'll say and I'll know I knew what they were thinking before they even thought of it 15 years ago.

Life in love is full of moments like those. Sometimes you don't think of them. Sometimes you just feel them and then they fade, leaving only wisps of warmth and infatuation that later you’ll recall and only wonder where they came from. But sometimes you get to really think of them and remember them. I have known love before but this is the first time I've loved like this. A love that manifests in the simple and mundane and makes philosophical realizations emerge from a second glance at ham. Honey Ham.

Sometimes I write beautiful things

 I wrote this poem. Its called Somebody. Its my favorite poem I've written so far and its one of the few poems I've written that isn't melancholy. 

There is a body among the trees and stars that craves your blush. 

There is a smile that craves your stories. 

Hands waiting to run through to run through the waves of your hair. 

There they will sink drowning in oceans of brown honey.

There is a body among the thunder of rolling clouds and squinting moons that thinks of you 

in the midst of torrents full of lonely and longing

They wait for you to wander into their meadow

You'll stop to admire tall grasses or the whisper of winds and there among the safety and calm they will find you

Ready, not to shield you, not to tug your hand along their own path but to trace the trips of mountain ridges and breath in soft afternoons. 

There is a body just a ways away waiting, watching the same fiery sunsets set a blaze with the last falling hopes of a love worth rising for. 

You'll find them. 

And when you do they'll love scars and curves of earth and flesh, and most of all they'll love you. 

Fastidiously Procrastinating

Have you ever had a very detailed and thorough understanding just exactly how bad you're slacking? I have been procrastinating on the very last assignments for this course for 3 months. Assignments that I know would only take me about 4 hours to complete. I don't know why, but that's what I've been doing. I don't know what else to make this post about so I'll just tell you about it.

 I've had several lectures and "you have to do it first thing in the morning"s from my boyfriend who at this point is tired of me not sleeping well and blames it on the work I'm not doing. But every time I sit down I end up getting back up from my desk not 30 minutes later. I remodeled my whole room in an effort to stay away from the desk. I did yard work that I would usually pay the neighborhood kids to do. I've reorganized the kitchen, the laundry, and made the spare bedroom into a walk in closet for my parents. I've made really really delicious and complicated dishes the kind that take all day to make. I randomly started reaching out to friends I'd ended on bad terms with to clear years of stale feelings. I went on many many hikes. But I have not done my homework, and because I haven't done it the other real life adult to-do items on my list stay collecting dust and probably insane amounts of interest. 

When I finally told my sister I was facing failing the class because of my utter paralysis she took my phone pressed call back on my professor's voicemail. And yet still after I stopped lunging for it, I held my breath, crossed my fingers and hoped that the phone would just keep ringing.

 This is insane. I bet this is how those people that never go to the hospital for weird lumps feel when they're in the ambulance with septic shock. 

I am one of those people. The ones you look at on an episode of Hoarders and think "man how did she let it get that bad". That's me, I know how. You just don't think about it and do other things that don't remind you of the impending doom. You nod and smile when people ask you how your degree is going and avoid the topic of school all together. You stare at your desk for months with out actually touching it and say one more episode, one more project, one more hour, one more day for the rest of your life until one more becomes too late. 

And yes of course I know how easy would've been to do it three months ago and how much nicer and enjoyable this break would've been if I had just.... no one knows better than me. But here I am. 

My name is Linda and I am a procrastinator. Thank you for tuning in to another episode of my self inflicted purgatory. 

I've always had a great disdain for the holidays

 I don't like winter. For a myriad of reasons I'll spare you from, but the most important on is that my birthday is only 9 days after Christmas. This year I was especially busy with catching up with school and so I ignored the festivities going on around me. Until Christmas was a couple of days away and like Scrooge himself,  I turned around and saw that I was really spoiling everyone else's spirit. So after catching up as much as I could I let myself be present for the week of New Years and a couple days after my birthday. 

My boyfriend had wanted to treat me to a mini stay-cation for our birthdays, mine is Jan 4 his is Jan 6, but we ended up deciding to postpone our vacation until we had a little bit more spending money. And so I decided to pull of a surprise party for him. 

It was really fun and I almost surprised him but I forgot he had my location shared on his phone. It was really fun working with his mom to make his birthday special though! I baked him a cake and cooked a full meal for his family and even set up silly cute decorations. 

I didn't want to do any crazy for my own birthday. So my family got me chicken wings and my little nephew made me a play dough cake... and my boyfriend bought me a huge brand new smart T.V.

In conclusion this holiday season was unexpectantly super sweet. Here are some pictures. 

Favorite Cartoons and the Odd obsession with Sociopaths in Western Media

 My one of favorite cartoons right now is Rick and Morty. I've watched the forty episodes the world has been blessed with over and over again. I like to listen to it in the background while I do homework. I love the crazy antics Rick pulls Morty and the rest of the family through. The other day I was explaining to my sister why I liked the show so much. She interrupted my explanation and said simply "Ya its not for me. I don't like watching shows that glorify shitty people". 

I laughed out at this because my sister watched all the episodes of "You" a Netflix series literally glorifying a murderous, manipulative, "shitty" person. My sister defended herself by saying that she watched the show because she was bored and then she got hooked. But my dear sister is overlooking the fact that to get hooked, you have to take the bait, you have to like the taste of the wriggly slimly worm. 

I didn't watch "You" because Joe very quickly reminded me of a super toxic ex I had. But I am just as bad as my sister because like the majority of western society, I am often enchanted by the relatable sociopaths that riddle our entertainment. I loved Dexter, I thought Walter White was so cool, and House was my to go watch on the weekend. 

Its not until you experience these people in real life that you really  become aware of how disgustingly horrible they are. House is arguably the lesser of the evils in the list mentioned above, until you start going to doctors appointment after doctors appointment with your mom and you're confronted with the same narcistic, apathetic and demeaning personalities in the people that have been entrusted with the literal well being of the human race (not saying all doctors are sociopaths, but a lot of them sure don't see people as people).

The truth is there is a reason why sociopathy is considered a personality disorder. They hurt people. They hurt themselves. And they don't care. But I guess they sure are entertaining to watch. I'm definitely not going to stop watching Rick and Morty, after all I kinda like what all these shows about anti-heroes have to say about morality and the human ego. 

But maybe my sister is right and we shouldn't glorify these people. After all how come so many of them get their own shows, while the even greater stories of marginalized people being ignored? What are your opinions on our societies obsession with "shitty" people?

Artwork

Around yesterday at 7PM I took a 30 min nap. Today around 1:30PM I woke up from said nap. It was a really needed sleep but I think overslept by wayyyyy too much. I woke up with a head ache and a begrudging guilt. Oh well. 

Here are some pictures of my artwork and a brief explanation. 

This was a commission for a friend but to be honest I wasn't fully satisfied with it. I should have added roses or stars on either sides of the skull. 

I do most of my drawings in my sketchbook, I'm proud of the book as a whole but I think some of the drawings fall short as solo pieces but I like this one. 

Don't forget!

Painted this for my cousin's 15th birthday party, she boxes.  

This was an assignment in my Art 101 class on contrast, I went back after the semester was over and made it more my own.

You guys can check out my art page on IG: @que_linduras I haven't posted in forever but feel free to check it out. 

Craving the sweet things in life

 I've been really caving ice cream. When I was little my dad would bring us Andersen's brand ice cream cherry flavor. They don't make that flavor anymore though. It tasted like Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia but with out the chocolate chucks. I really like pistachio ice cream too, and coffee!

What are you guy's favorite flavors? Any fond memories of ice cream? 

New Recipe Thanks to Tuka !

 Today I decided to make the spring roll recipe Tuka shared with us in her blog post! Thank you so much for the inspiration!! I switched them up and put shrimp instead of chicken and a lit of jalapeno. They were delicious!! Next time I am going to put thin slices of cucumber and avocado and add lime juice  to the peanut sauce! Honestly me and my boyfriend had so much fun making them and we came up with so many ideas on how we could do different versions

 

The delicious srpring rolls!

I made a couple spam musubi too! 

There goes another sunset

I ended this semester with my other classes officially. I ended up with a C+ in ECON 261, B+ in ECON 103 and a B in MGT. I guess I didn't do that bad after all but I feel so drained and tired from being in a mental panic zone for what feels like so long. Last night I didn't sleep until 3AM because I was finishing the last bits of a Business Plan for my MGT class. I'd started working on it the 8th but for no reason other than poor time management and anxiety I put it off and so I was struggling to finish it. But finally I did it. Then I overslept only to wake up to my mom doing yard work first thing in the morning. She's just barely getting better from COVID and she's already trying to do too much. Sometimes it feels like she's trying to take on the world when she gets like that. But I have no choice than to get up and help her because there's no way I can let her do yard work by herself yet. After we were done I made her breakfast/lunch and helped her with a couple of phone calls to doctors and things for my dads work. Next thing I know its well into the after noon and I haven't even changed from pjs and I remember that I left cloths in the dryer so there I am doing a bit of  laundry and maybe just the dishes and then I think well the kitchen needs a little sweeping. Then next thing I know dinner time is just 2 hours till I have to figure our dinner. Usually I would've sat down straight away and worked on one of the thousands of things I have to get done but today I just sat at there and breathed and drew. Next thing I know I hear my mom shuffle her feet in the kitchen, the sound of a scary crime scene video chiming in between the sounds of her trying to help me out with chores. I make dinner for us taking the time to talk to her and listen to all her stories because I know she needs it, but inside I feel anxious and guilty over the work that awaits me on the desk. I do couple of more favors for her and next thing I know the day is over. I help her into bed and head over to my room. I know how perilous it is I finish my work, I know but I am also so exhausted. Like emotionally and physically, and today felt like one of those days that no matter how many breaks you give yourself or do things to distract you from it you still feel it. Ugh but its technically over now and that's the good news. I breathed another day. I am going to stay up and finish as much work as I can until I get sleepy. And tomorrow hopefully I can finish my whole Roadmap! Better said I will finish my whole roadmap. Then I will take a huge nap. Or maybe breath some fresh air. One or the other. 

Also here is a picture of mine just to make things less draby and boring. 

CCDLV Festival 2017? I am in the front with the cap. I recruited all the volunteers in the red shirts. Over 100 volunteers where there that day! I was so proud. I love being a part of the festival.

Thinking about the Unstoppable March of Time

 It feels like just yesterday I was holding my niece as a newborn. I remember staring into her face and wondering who she would turn out to be, what parts of her I would get to keep forever and what parts would fade away. One of the craziest parts of life is realizing that time doesn't just keep going forever with no regard for you, it also changes you. You think your face, your features, are yours but they're not, they answer to time. The faces of your loved ones will change so much so that tomorrow the faces you will know without a doubt would be strangers to you today. My niece was born with dark brown wisps of hair and beautiful grey blue eyes and before my own eyes her hair turned blonde and her eyes green. I didn't see the change happen until it was right there in front of me jarring in juxtaposition to the past. I can't to see how my own face will change with time... 

Slideshow Presentation and Catching Up the Rest of the Way

Today I did the slideshow presentation while everyone else was pretty much finishing up their course work. Its honestly been really stressful to try to finish up all my classes. I had to play catch up until the last moment. Thankfully Prof. Wu is working with me to grant me to a semester extension and if I manage to catch up I will be finishing the course work around Christmas time. I hopefully will still graduate this semester. 

I know that most of my classmates are now finished with the course and might not see any other posts I make so good luck to everyone on their future endeavors!! It was great getting to know you guys through this blog. I especially enjoyed seeing how you guys triumphed over your struggles, thank you for sharing those moments with the class. I hope you all continue with your education and you succeed at whatever you set your sights on. 

Lost Stolen Art

The other day me and my boyfriend were discussing the fresco paintings of the Romans and he mentioned something along the lines of "I wish we had indigenous paintings and arts like that." That launched a discussion about how heart breaking it is that the majority of the masterpieces of our ancestors had been destroyed and their descendants are taught in school to idolize the work of their oppressors. 

Aztec artisans were master metal workers, but we wouldn't know that based on surviving works. That's because colonizers stole the intricate and masterful statues of gods and heroes of our people to parade them shortly in Europe before melting them down for currency. You want to know how Spain funded those expeditions to the Americas? That's how, through stolen gold and sliver, literally building war ships and weapons off the flesh of indigenous gods. The scrolls and books containing the story and culture of an empire, slashed and burned. Stone temples taken apart brick by brick. The only ones spared where the ones already forgotten and abandoned. I love how they don't tell you that in history books, they just raise their hands and say "oh how mysterious the ways of the Aztecs". 

They label civilizations lost when they're the ones that took them. We can see still parts of them in museums, pieces of heart and soul stolen from the body, sitting in the white man's menagerie of conquest.  

In Lieu of the Melodramatics

 I realize I’ve just been posting real heavy and intense content, which I mean is like pretty reflective of my life. But I think I’ll share some sweet moments today. 

All time favorite photo: I designed this art exhibit/demonstration for the Cesar Chavez Day Festival and my mom was so proud. I miss organizing projects like this, soon I'll be back at it though!

I am only 22 but I'm a tia to 4 rambunctious little monkies! They are the light of my life!! The baby is Luciana, who I named, she's super silly and dramatic.

One of the last pictures of my Precious, her and my boyfriend got along like lifelong friends. It used to be our thing to hang out and make art together, now its a little lonelier but a lot less messier without paw prints everywhere. 

My mom and my dad have been together for 34 years! You can see how much my mom adores him. They grew up in the same little town, my dad was a tough troublemaker and my mom a bookworm. He had a crush on her his whole life. 

Similarly my boyfriend has known me since I was 17, but I made him wait five years to actually ask me out. LOL.

He says it was worth it though. 

This was my oldest sister's gift for my birthday this year! Haha jk but this is baby Lauren born 5 days after my birthday! I hate to be biased but she's turning out to be the smartest baby I've ever met, she was already walking at 10 months! And her eyes, I swear she has this look, it feels like she already knows you. Idk if you get what I mean but believe me this is one special baby.

My other sister is pursuing a career in photography (while being a full time mom and student!! I'm so proud of her.) she likes to use me as her model and this is my favorite session. 

Blood Meridian By Cormac McCarthy

Today I want to talk about a book I absolutely love, Blood Meridian. Its a magnificently complex and exquisitely well written master piece. I read it in my Eng 223 class which focused on "Satan as a Literary Figure" (I'm catholic btw). The language the author uses transports you directly to the desolated brutality of  the Old West with a lyricism that's so beautiful, so alienating, that the violence of those times feels freshly exposed. The book explores the depths of humanity and the evils within mans reckless tirades. Its a hard read. Not just because its complex but because it can be emotionally draining. 

It follows a character known as the kid, (we never get to know his name) as he aimlessly transverses the old west, walking among government hired murders, devils walking among men. I don't want to give up too much because the story is a twist and turn of expectations and its really about what you make of it.

One of the quotes that stuck with me the most is the following:

“Whatever exists, he said. Whatever in creation exists without my knowledge exists without my consent.

He looked about at the dark forest in which they were bivouacked. He nodded toward the specimens he'd collected. These anonymous creatures, he said, may seem little or nothing in the world. Yet the smallest crumb can devour us. Any smallest thing beneath yon rock with out of men's knowing. Only nature can enslave man and only when the existence of each last entity is routed out and made to stand naked before him will he be properly suzerain of the earth.”

 

I thought about that quote alot while I was sick. Any crumb. We reach for stars and artificial voids, with out even turning over the wobbly rocks we stand on. 

 Another reason I loved the book is because it mentions my hometown, briefly and swiftly, in a list of all the places the kid passes through, but it was a surprise and gave me a shocking perspective of the role places like my little alcove played in history. I grew up hearing of the atrocities committed in those quiet deserts and I never quite got it. Anyways its an amazing read! I lovveeee it. But maybe read it while listening to the audio book (its on YouTube for free if I remember right), I did that the second time around and I wished I'd done it in the first place.

A long day and ponderings about genetic abnormalities

Today was a really long and exhausting day. I had two finals, my mom had a doctors appointment, my dad is in town and was being especially picky with his food and I had barely gotten any sleep. Fortunately the day whined down pleasantly, I got a 95 on one of my exams, my moms appointment went well, and my dad enjoyed the home made chicken wings and fries he requested (I enjoyed them too). I am hoping to get some good sleep tonight and tomorrow get to work making up more assignments. 

Had you guys heard about Klinefelter syndrome? Its a genetic condition where males are born with an extra X chromosome, resulting in XXY. It can't be inherited and isn't known to be caused by any specific reason, its simply a random genetic error. This variance in genetic code has many effects on the lives of those who have it. There are many other conditions just like it where people have extra X or Y chromosomes. It really makes think about how many little variances of normal there are with in our species. Do you think we'd even notice these variances if we didn't have the technology we do now?    Genetic variances can often adversely affect an individuals life, but many times they go unnoticed, silently shaping our lives and on a grander scale even the direction of our species. Of course many variances are caused by environmental factors, such as pollution, others by specification needed to survive, but some really are random, makes me wonder what traits we currently have as a species that just by luck happened to stick. Just some food for thought. 

COVID-19 sucks really hard

TW: Sickness. I'm sure you guys have noticed that I was gone for the last 2 months. Unfortunately I contracted COVID and to make matters worse my mom did too. My mom has several underlying health issues and so her symptoms were very severe. For the most part we went through the illness alone, my older sister left us meals outside the door and my other sister would facetime us everyday trying to cheer us up with cute videos of her babies. But the real life saver was my boyfriend who after my initially mild symptoms got worse literally risked everything to come stay with me and help me. For some miraculous reason he remained asymtomatic and was able to take care of us until I finally regained my strength. I have experienced many trials as my moms caregiver, my whole life I have been there to help her through anything and everything. In the beginning of the year I thought we had made it throught the toughest challenge when she recovered from the latestest of a lifetime of surgeries, this one fusing two more vertibrates to the seven that are already caged in. Later in May of this same year two of her medications clashed and she had a siezure right in front me, at the time it was the scariest moment of my life. But this time around, this really topped all of it. Night after night while I watched her get worse, I would measure her temperature and oxygen levels every two hours, watching it rise and fall and praying that it one wouldn't get to high and the other too low. I didn't know what I was doing, and I didn't know who to call. I left my own symptoms unchecked, forgetting to take medicine untill I was drenched in sweat and dreaming sitting up. I really didn't know if my mom would make it and every moment I felt racked with guilt over not knowing how to do things better. But I didn't want to go to hospital and ultimately and I'm glad I didn't because frankly I have little faith in the healthcare system and I knew that being as overwhelmed as they are currently I couldn't garentee I'd see my mom again. Its tough enough for her to be listened to and properly cared for in a healthcare system who constantly overlooks her symptoms, makes simple and unnessecary mistakes, and is disgustingly and blatantly apathetic, while she's in good health. I didn't want her to go through that by herself yet again. For those out there that don't think this is real. COVID is very real. It is not just a flu. It is not some over reaction. You might be fine, you might not show symptoms it might not be that bad for a while but for those that you love that do get hit hard, it is a fight with death. And I know my mom is lucky to have me but think of those grandparents that will have to fight literally by themselves in a hospital room. But we made it through, and now it almost feels like a distant nightmare. Currently my biggest trouble is anxiously waiting as my boyfriend makes plans to ask my dad for my hand and trying to finish all my missing and backed up assignments so I can finally not worry about school... at least until I go back yet again this comming summer for my bachelors.

The Dolls of a Bratty generation

I grew up playing with Bratz dolls. I had an expansive collection that I managed to keep in near perfect condition. I kept the out fits and accessories of every doll I got new from the store and the dolls I got at yard sales or used I restored and even went as far as to have my mom make clothes for them. I was obsessed with Bratz, I loved their style and the variety of colors and personalities in the dolls.

Recently I decided my niece was ready to be bestowed with the honor of playing with my dolls and I gave her a couple of the more gently used ones. She's still a bit young and I didn't want her to destroy the ones that were in perfect condition. But I decided I would go ahead and buy her some brand new ones for Christmas to truly indoctrinate her. This is when I realized the saddest thing ever. 

Bratz are not on store shelves anymore. I was devastated. You can still find alot of them used online, and I will probably be buying them that way but gosh what a let down. 

Bratz came on the market in 2001 as a the "rebellious" "urban" fashion doll that appealed to preteens. They were some the first dolls to be vastly multi-ethnic and they steered away from the typical pink aesthetic of other dolls. They pushed the boundaries wearing trendy hip hop outfits and having big eyes and lips with arguably a lot of make up. They explored a multitude of styles from punk to preppy, to sporty to formal prom wear.

  

There was always controversy around the dolls however, a lot of parents perceived the dolls to be skimpy and promote bad attitudes. They were worried that because of their "provoking outfits" and "heavy make up" these dolls would promote the oversexualization of young girls and lead to negative body image issues. A lot of feminist organizations made statements against the dolls, which I find ironic because they are basically slut shaming dolls for being fashionable, but okay go off. 

Fortunately Bratz dolls went on largely unaffected by the hate for many years, eventually taking over 40% of the fashion doll market. The trouble started when Mattel, the manufacturer of  Barbie came out with MyScenes, the Barbie- washed version of Bratz. Side note, the girl that lived next door to me growing up had MyScenes and let me just say they were 'ight but definitely not as cool as Bratz. But MGA Entertainment the manufacturer of Bratz got upset at the attempt by Mattel to infringe on their look, so they sued them. That's when everything downhill. Mattel countersued, claiming that because Bratz creator was working for Mattel when he developed the Bratz doll they owned the rights to the doll. The courts first ruled in Mattel's favor and then reversed their decision, but the damage was done. 

Because of the draining lawsuits the quality of the Bratz doll fell. MGA entertainment simply could not afford to produce the dolls at the same amazing quality. It was around this time that mom bought me my least favorite version of Jazmine and this one doll named Vinessa. I still played with them but they were always minor backup characters in my plays. Retailors also weren't as willing to stock Bratz because of the sketchy rights lawsuit. 

Cheaply made "Vinessa" doll

After a while in 2010 Bratz tried to rebrand and make a comeback. But the comeback proved to be disappointing. MGA Entertainment took Bratz in a different directions making them more "family friendly" and they Barbie-washed the dolls. While this may have appeased soccer moms, it did not play out well with their actual audience, the kids that liked the dolls fashionable and urban aesthetic. By 2016 MGA Entertainment ceased the line production due to low sales. 

2010 Reboot Bratz, (I mean just look at those outfits... sheesh)

In 2018 Bratz released a limited time line of collector dolls which included the original 4 dolls, Jazmine, Jade, Sasha, and Chloe, and Cameron one of the boy dolls. These were sold exclusively on amazon and go for $50 each. They did a really good job at channeling the original style and feel of the 2000's Bratz. I am really temped to buy a Jade or Jazmine just for myself, but I am an adult now and I don't know how I feel about spending that much money just to look at a doll on my shelf. 

2018 Bratz Collection

There is no doll on the market that compares to the Bratz doll. I think now more than ever we should try to invest in kids toys because more and more kids are becoming technology zombies. It makes me really upset that girls now a days have so few options when it comes to dolls. I feel like all the dolls are either baby dolls or really Barbie-washed toys. I never liked Barbies, and now more than ever I resent them for pretty much killing Bratz dolls. 

What do you guys think about the current state of girls toys nowadays?

Names and stories

 My mom chose great names for all three of her daughters, Leslie Elida, Laura Areli, and me, Linda Aidee. I've always thought people's lives play out like books, and most end up being aptly named characters. Names unknowingly fulfil their legacy's, sometimes its a perfect fit, sometimes its a cynical hand of fate and sometimes boring names lead boring lives. 

Leslie means joy and Elida is 'small winged one'. Leslie was in part named after my grandmother who lived a life heavy with burden and hard work. They both have the same brown eyes and steady stare of someone who knows life through a bluer light than most. But Leslie has a smile that somehow never lost its youthfulness. A small winged joy, like a lovely bird on a thorned branch. 

Laura is derived from the latin name for the bay laurel plant, a plant used as a symbol of victory and honor. Areli means lion of God. Laura is the victorious lion of God. You just have to know her to know that her name suites her perfectly. Hers is story she's gracefully and courageously written for herself by herself. 

Linda means beautiful and Aidee is helper, a reward or present. My mom is always thanking her heavenly stars for being stubborn and having me. She was misdiagnosed in the midst of her pregnancy with cancer and the doctor told her she would have to chose weather to have me or to seek treatment. She chose me and a second opinion. Its weird to think of myself as a 'beautiful' helper, but the further I walk down my path the more its guided by the responsibility I feel to help others. 

If AP English has taught me anything is that you can find meaning and symbolism within anything and everything so maybe I can be lumped up with all the crazies that think blood types determine personality traits or star signs tell you how you're gunna feel that day. However the case, I am going to make sure I pick great and indominable names for my kids. And yes I will be continuing with 'L' names too. All my nieces and nephews have L names, Lucas, Leonidas, Luciana, Lauren.

All the Obnoxious little things

There are little things in our lives that we are blind to until the day comes that they prove their obnoxious importance.  

Those days come with exasperated sighs at underestimated chores and overwhelmed hands chasing task after task. I never saw how much it really took my mom to clean a whole house until it became my job. I never saw how much skill making meals three times a day takes. The errands, the doctors appointments, the bills, the family things you just have to do, the small things that just fall through the cracks. There are so many little things, that I never saw being tied up nice and tidy. 

If I could go back and help her more I would have, I would have learned more, but now I sit in an unraveling nest, frustrated and tired. This is how my mom says strong women are made. But I didn't want to be a strong woman when I was a little girl, and sometimes it feels like just yesterday I was chasing dreams. 

However there is an undeniable sweetness in learning to be more than you have been, that doesn't fail to be seen this time. I know this is a hard time, but I'm learning. Maybe one day all the little things I do for the family I don't have yet, wont be unseen. 

2020 has really been a trip

 I am really pleasantly surprised at the way this class is formatted, the video lessons on Cengage (although a bit slow and boring) are really a great way to learn and the word projects are the perfect way to test what you learned. I can really see myself getting a hang of all these programs and have already learned new ways of doing things I had been doing wrong for years. 

Its good that this week wasn't that stressful because unfortunately my cat died. It was something we expected for a long time now, she was 18, going on 19 years old. But it was still really unexpected. Shes been with me since I was in kindergarten and has seen me through really hard times. I got to say goodbye to her on Saturday and although I didn't quite know it was a goodbye, I felt it. She was so tired. And so when I couldn't find her the next two days I knew she had passed. On Tuesday morning we found her resting peacefully in the garden right outside my window. I had looked for her non-stop and there she was right next to me the whole time. 

Precious was one of those cats you only get once in your life. She would hunt and bring me (kinda gross but much appreciated) gifts of dead birds, insects, and small desert animals until her very last days. I came to call them her gifts of death and have used a lot of them in my artwork. Weird, I know, but she would literally hunt for me and make sure I was provided for even when she only had like three teeth left. She never lost her fierceness and aloof attitude but was so loving and gentile with all my sister's babies, even when they pulled her tail or pet her too rough. As a kid I would dress her up in doll cloths and we'd go on adventures in the backyard, sometimes we were princess Jasmine and her tiger, other times a powerful witch and her wizard cat. When I was a teenager full of melodramatic angst, I would sneak out, and she would join me walking at a distance from me until I came back home. Last week I was painting and she laid on my desk next to me the whole time, I wish I had known it was going to be the last time we painted together. She was my guardian in life and will continue to be in death.

 

A new semester, in a turbulent world

This semester is different from others in so many ways. The last semester ended in the middle of what seemed to be the end of the world. The time between that sudden and unsure disruption in February and now, August, still seems so unreal. I spent those months huddled inside my house and unfortunately in and out of hospitals, due to my mom's medical conditions. The worst part of that semester was having to finish my finals while my mom was isolated in hospital after a major back surgery. Because of the pandemic I wasn't allowed to stay her like I always do, and so my anxiety was through the roof to say the least. I passed all my classes by some stroke of luck but I have never had such a hard time balancing my academic responsibilities with my mental health. 

The beginning of this semester is filled with so many new adjustments, with is new academic environment but also personally. That's not to say I'm not really excited to be back in school especially after a summer locked up in quarantine. School provides a meaningful purpose. I am only four classes away from getting my associates, and this semester knocks out three of the four. Almost there!!